Retreating to the Strong Tower

It’s easy to know when someone close to us needs to rest, needs space to recover and catch their breath. We can tell when their notes are out of tune or their rhythm is out of sync. They do things outside of the norm of their character or being. And if we’re good friends we find a way to tell them. Or we offer to take something out of their hands and out of their schedule. We give them permission to step away for a time and to realign. We don’t make excuses for them, but instead we recognize their needs, and out of care we allow them the space they need.

But when these moments come up for ourselves we tend to ignore them or shut them down. We see the stress in our lives, we feel how overwhelmed we are, we sense there is a disturbance in our innermost being that can only be righted with pure rest. But we push it away.

I got sick this week. But it wasn’t a sickness that had a name. If you go by just my vitals everything fine. Blood pressure is normal. Temperature is normal. Glucose levels are normal. But then there’s the congestion and the headache and the fatigue and the lack of focus. The doctor just diagnosed it as “viral”. She felt my shoulders as she was doing the physical exam and said, “Your shoulders are so...tense.” We talked about the stress I’ve been carrying. The phone calls that aren’t coming. The logistics that aren’t getting worked out. The amount of things that need to get done. And I walked out of the room with a letter excusing me from work for a couple of days.

I was at home for three days. Not working. Not doing chores. Not cleaning up messes (except for dirty dishes, because I would like to think I’m a good roommate). Not living my “normal” life. I cancelled things this week that are mainstays in my schedule - things that bring me great joy and put me around people that I love and cherish and bring me life.

And in all of the stuff of life over the last few weeks, maybe even months, it all built up and attacked me. My body said STOP. And so did the doctor. She doesn’t know me, had never treated me before, but she looked over me, examined me, and told me to rest. She gave me permission to recharge - permission I felt guilty giving myself.

I charge my phone almost constantly. I read the articles that tell me that’s counterproductive and makes my battery less able to hold a charge and I don’t even care. I haven’t figured out if that’s true or not because that’s not a game I want to play. If my phone is at 70% I’m looking for a charger. At 50% I’m holding onto every last bit of charge I can, and by the time I get to 20% I just give up, throw my hands in the air, and live with the fact that when it dies it dies. I’m the one who got it to that point anyway. My actions and the way I used my phone caused it to run out of life and I just resign myself to the truth that the only way it gets more is by being plugged in to the thing that charges it up again.

I’m very aware of things and people external to me who need to rest and recharge. I’m also very aware of my own need to rest and recharge. But I’m much less willing to give myself the permission or release myself of the guilt that comes with doing just that. The truth is that rest sometimes takes us away from things that are fun and enjoyable and make us laugh. But if we’re willing to see where rest takes us we won’t be as quick to judge ourselves. When we take our weary selves to One who gives perfect rest and perfect peace, when we retreat to the strong tower that is everything that encompasses the Lord we find exactly what we’re looking for.

Millions of Reasons Why I Won’t be Watching the Inauguration

On Friday, January 20th, Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts, Jr. will swear in a candidate who has done more to divide this country in the last 12 months than he has to unite it. He has put himself ahead of others countless times. He has propped himself up as the answer to all that plagues this nation.

Don't want to be afraid of Islamic extremists attacking you? Keep out everybody with brown skin from one of those Middle Eastern countries.

Want to protect this country from the Mexican drug trade and those rapists and murderers? Build a wall.

Think women are worth less than men, only emotional because they’re hormonal? Make sure to imply they’re on their period when they challenge your answers during a primary debate.

Want to be part of the new administration? Marginalize, discriminate, cheat, lie, and be wealthy.

The same week we celebrate the life of Martin Luther King, Jr., the man who fought for equal rights and representation for a race of humans that never should have had to fight for it in the first place, we will exalt and celebrate a man who has admitted to raping women, called protesters crybabies, undermined and undercut anyone who has dared to stand against him, and ridiculed the FACT that people are calling out his hypocrisies.

I do not believe the next president deserves my respect. He has done nothing to earn it. I will not fall in line just because he's my "leader." I live in a democracy. I do not live in a country under communist or monarchical rule. I live in a country where I am allowed to speak freely against what I perceive to be prejudice and injustice.

But I also live in a country where I still feel as though I HAVE to see movies that feature, or were created by, women and people of color because they need my support, my dollars, and my voice to keep making these movies, to legitimize their contributions.

Women have contributed greatly in this country and around the world in the realms of science, technology, literature, liberation, government, entertainment, and so much more. We have influenced politics and art, have been awarded and recognized for excellence in our fields. And we still have "firsts."

In 2016, we finally had the first woman calling prime time Major League Baseball games and appearing as an analyst on ESPN's Baseball Tonight and Sportscenter. Jessica Mendoza is a gold medalist. She has achieved the highest honor and recognition in her sport. She has had endorsement deals. Her name has appeared on equipment and apparel. (I once owned a softball bat with her name on it.) And, yet, she wasn't done. She wasn't done breaking down barriers and marching on, standing out, and stepping up. She joins many other women in a very specific field, sports broadcasting, in laying the foundation for what is still to come.

Maybe someday there will be a woman in the booth for Monday Night Football, not just on the sideline. Perhaps we will witness profitable, well-supported professional sports leagues for women that are lauded and praised and funded by women and men alike.

Let’s see a continued push to recruit, train, and hire women in STEM fields (Science, Technology, Engineering, and Math). And, not just a push, but committed effort to do so. We need to reach out to women leading in their fields and put them in positions where they can be successful, not demanding them to prove their worth or feel like they must earn the same immediate respect and recognition that a male counterpart with the same education and experience will receive on day one.

And now to people of color. Is it the threat of the majority no longer being as it is that causes so much fear and hatred of people whose skin pigments are darker than and different from white? Is the shape of someone's nose or the texture of their hair enough to set them aside, to demand authority over them? ABSOLUTELY NOT!

In the search for order we can not trample justice, equality, and unalienable rights. The Founding Fathers were correct when they identified those rights in the Declaration of Independence as life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. They were wrong when they declared those rights were only accessible to white, American males. This is a country where we set out to open our arms to those fleeing oppression at the hands of their country - whether that be because of religious persecution or genocidal warfare. We came to this place for the same reason centuries ago. We can not deny those desires to others just because we got here first and made the rules.

I can not, and will not, stand behind an administration that includes men who spew white supremacy and use the media and their positions to spread misleading and false reports of the things minority groups have done or represent. There is a man in a chief strategist position, who has the ear of the next president, who has allowed his media outlet to post articles titled “Why Equality and Diversity Departments Should Only Hire Rich, Straight White Men”, “The Solution to Online ‘Harassment’ Is Simple: Women Should Log Off”, “Donald Trump Would Be the Real First Black President”. Whether he wrote these articles himself or not, an editor is responsible for the work in his publication and these articles, as their titles suggest, do not speak kindly or highly of vulnerable groups. What do we teach the children of the world, the next generation, if we’re promoting and highlighting people who speak this way?

This should be a country that stands by the message on the Statue of Liberty: “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free” and applies that not just to foreigners but recognizes there are people within who need to hear those words and receive that comfort right now. People who have been waiting for generations, who have been lifting their voices and working their tails off and PLEADING for respect and justice. Instead of being met with open arms and open minds they have faced barricades and ridicule. They have been chastised and punished for even daring to dream of living life on an equal and level plane as the majority.

We have not achieved MLK Jr.'s dream. We still judge people by the color of their skin and not by the content of their character. Sure, our schools and workplaces are integrated. We no longer have separate bathrooms, drinking fountains, libraries, coffee makers, or seats on buses for colored and white people. We laugh at the absurdity of these things now because they are just that and how did we not see that just 60 years ago?

How true is this quote from the new movie Hidden Figures today? "I'm a negro woman. I'm not going to entertain the impossible." How do we make the words spoken here, uttered by a brilliant woman in Hampton, VA in 1961, untrue? What is still impossible for women, people of color, and especially women of color?

The name of this blog is "Here I Stand." It's just ambiguous and broad enough that it allows me to write about all kinds of things I'll stand for and with. It's a place to lend my voice, to be one of the millions rising up to say no to inequality, injustice, deceit, underhanded business dealings, discrimination, authoritarian intimidation, misogyny, and inadequate, uninformed, and unqualified leadership.

I believe in being informed. I believe in not being blind to what's happening in the world. But I will not watch any part of the inauguration. It is my right as a citizen of the United States of America to make that decision and not be forced to change it. I do not want to watch the pomp and circumstance that will surround a man I do not believe is qualified to be president. I didn't vote for him. I never even considered it. My heart will hurt alongside others who feel the same way. I will weep for those who fear an increase in marginalization and injustice with a new administration that borders on a regime.

Here I stand. I stand with you. I stand for you. I stand for your children. I stand for our present and our future. I stand with the Bradshaw family, the Ross family, the Arnold family, the Brown family, the Shaw family, and the Ohm family - just to name a few. Will you stand with me?

Ripping Off the Bandage

I'm back! For good? Maybe. Only time can tell. 

Whether this is your first time here at the blog or you've been sitting on the edge of your seat for the last 13 months just waiting for me to write again I thank you for taking the time to read.

Let's dive right in and start where I left off last November. It was my birthday. A joyous occasion I celebrated in my favorite city (San Francisco) in my favorite state (California) doing things I loved and have missed for years. 

Exploring SF on my birthday - trolley ride, Ghiradelli sundae, Lombard Street, and the TransAmerica building!

But just a few days later something happened. Something I knew was going to happen, yet nothing I could truly prepare myself for - believe me, I tried. Grief struck and it hit hard. While I was celebrating in CA my grandmother was in hospice care in Florida and had decided to withdraw life-sustaining care (food and water). From the time we got that news to the day she passed was only six days. So instead of returning to Ohio after 10 days away I hopped on a plane to FL where I met my family and extended family.

We arrived at around midnight on Thursday and drove straight to the hospice center. More than one year later I'm still not ready to talk about what happened when I got into her room. I can't even think about it without streams of tears running out of my eyes, but it was still necessary to be there. By 6:30 the following morning (Friday) we got the phone call that she had passed. I can't describe that car ride to you. I can't put into words what I was thinking. I was tired. I was scared. I was worn.

So I wrote this:

"It's in moments like this that I am glad I have hope in eternal things and trust in what I can not see, because what I can see is pain and heartache. What I do see are temporal things wasting away, day by day. When face with the reality of my pain I want to run. The fear is overwhelming and I forget that God is bigger than all of it, that the king of the world himself is with me in my time of sorrow, fear, and pain.

I do not carry this burden alone. My shoulders do not have to hoist this by themselves. My God will fulfill all my needs today according to his glorious riches. When I walk through the fire I will not be burned. When the waters wash over me I will not be consumed. For my God is the God of peace. Of hope. Of healing. Of joy. Of love. In Him there is no fear."

From the backseat of a rental car at 7:17 a.m. On November 13th, 2015 I wrote that. I know there are more, but at this moment I can remember two distinct times in my life that Scripture has flooded my thoughts. Two times I needed the Word more than anything else: June 10, 2013 - the day my Pop-Pop died, it was John 14:27, which says, "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid" - and this day, the day Grandma died. 

My sister Rachel and our cousins Alana and Elisabeth at Grandma's memorial

And on that day in Florida I began to retreat. I had felt this pain before. I knew what was coming. Grandma had been sick. Pop-Pop had been sick. Death was imminent for each of them in ways we could see coming. But it doesn't hurt any less to lose someone whether you know beforehand or not. My response this time was to pull away a bit, to surround myself with people I loved. To grab as many hugs and meaningful conversations as I could. I evaluated the person I was, who I had become, and the weight of loss. Past loss, current loss, and even loss to come. I felt this hurt for months and months. I still feel the hurt and pain from this loss and others to this day, but life goes on. And I go on. It's all I can do. 

As I said at the beginning, the regularity of which I post from here on out is unknown. I know I want to come back here and regale you with all my wisdom and humor, but I don't know what will happen. I re-entered this space last year with good intentions to post and reflect, but life happened and my walls went up. For now, though, the bandage is ripped off. The wound is bare for all of you to see. For those of you that have walked through this season with my I thank you. I couldn't have made it without you. For those who had no idea any of this happened, welcome to the fray. I'm glad you're here.

Who was the 1994 AL MVP?*

Three of my many favorite things:

1. Sports

2. Games

3. My memory

One show that combines all of those things:

1. Sports Jeopardy

A Sports Jeopardy contestant:

1. MEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"This is real life," is something I've had to repeat to myself over and over the last few days. It's the thing you say when the reality is just that unbelievable.

For me, the reality is that I get to be a contestant on a game show. It's a game show that only asks questions about sports. Dream. Come. True.

This girl grew up wanting to work in sports. Reporting from the sidelines of Monday Night Football games, the Sportscenter anchor desk, in-game announcer for the San Francisco 49ers, any and all of these things were on the list of things I could see myself doing some day.

I get sports. Player names. Rules. Stats. Stadiums. Mascots. They're all locked in my brain. 

And now I'm just hoping that next month when I'm standing in front of Dan Patrick and competing against other people who "get sports" those super random, not always useful, facts come out of my brain quickly because this girl wants to bring home some cash.

I'll follow up with details later about when my taping airs and how you can watch the show (good news - you don't need cable because you can watch online for FREE!), and hopefully I'll be able to share some behind the scenes info and photos after filming. 

*Answer: Frank Thomas - nicknamed "The Big Hurt"...how appropriate

Saying goodbye to 27

"With age comes wisdom."

And in my advanced (kidding) age of 28 this is what I know of wisdom: Wisdom is knowing what you don't know. Wisdom is admitting to yourself and others you don't have all the answers. Wisdom is living freely in this knowledge, not letting the truth of it weigh you down.

Wisdom is knowing that each of the following statements is true.

27 was a good year. 27 was a hard year. 27 was a fun year. 27 was a frustrating year. 27 was an adventurous year. 27 was a complete year.

I shared in my last post about my year of unexpected travel and how exciting that has been for me, but this is more about the things I've learned that has made this year and this age more than I dreamed it could be.

I was not perfect and my record in this year is not spotless. I placed distance in relationships that I shouldn't have. I deceived others. I sinned (more than once...). I strayed. I questioned my faith. I spent significant time believing God wouldn't take care of me, wasn't concerned with my happiness, and didn't care about my sadness. My bad. And yet, I am forgiven. For all of it.

However, what made this year so good was I chose faith more often than fear. Even in periods of unbelief I chose to trust that by stepping into the great unknown God would not only protect and guide me, but also always be with me. That saying no to average things meant saying yes to better things.

I met people I never would have met otherwise. I made myself available to others' needs. My limits were stretched, my strength tested. My dependence on the temporal things of this world has not disappeared, but it has lessened as my focus on the eternal becomes greater. My baggage still exists, but the load is lighter. 

I don't know what 28 holds, and I don't want it to be a repeat of this year or any year past, but I do hope and pray I continue to grow in wisdom, love big, fear less, trust more, and explore the unknown.

  

And with two years left of my 20s I plan on squeezing as much out of them as I can before conquering my 30s.